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All About It: | A Business Essential | Sample
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I went into business with my best friend. What a remarkable experience. We worked together at the same company for years and already knew that as a team, one plus one made three. We were so full of enthusiasm and passion for the business idea, as well as the partnership, that we gave it everything we had.
Then nine months after we launched, she wanted me to leave.
I was devastated. It was a mere twenty-minute conversation about what bits she would take over and when my laptop could be returned. If you saw us for the first time that day, you would never have envisioned the enormity of the storehouse of memories we’d captured. I knew as well as she did that things weren’t working out, so I wasn’t actually sorry to leave. Those things rarely come as a surprise. But it’s a blow to the gut when it happens because you never set out to fail. It took us two and a half years before we spoke again, and in the meantime, I questioned my instincts and lost faith in others and myself. I mistakenly thought the relationship ended that day, but I inadvertently carried it around with me everywhere. And boy was it heavy!
Business relationships go through difficult stages or do need to end at times and we have to stop labeling that as failure. Little things left un-addressed will ultimately blow-up in our face or cause a relationship to die a slow death. The State of Grace Document enables us to tackle the aspects of our work relationships that trip us up – from small disagreements to painful transitions. It’s that open window after the door has closed.
Do you realize how tragically we’re out of a state of grace with each other?
I’m afraid to tell the boss what I really need, so I tell my co-workers how unfair he is. I’m afraid to tell my supplier her remark put me off, so I take my business elsewhere. I’m afraid to tell my employee his performance isn’t measuring up, so I avoid him and put off his performance review.
Individuals, teams, corporations, even countries are out of a state of grace. It shows up as everything from a continual knot in our stomach to lack of self-confidence to anger, depression and illness. Avoiding the difficult conversations, hanging onto the status quo at all costs, or ending a relationship bitterly, dramatically effects who we are in the world. The greater the pace of change, the greater the chance for tensions to rise. Rather than depending on the legal system to bail us out or addiction to deaden the pain, it’s time we built a new foundation for our business relationships that says staying in a state of grace is our ultimate goal.
There is a new way to build, sustain, and transition our work relationships with honor and grace and it is called the State of Grace Document. It’s a one to three page document designed and created in unison by those in the relationship, and is very personal and explicit. It takes into consideration who they are as individuals, as well as the nature of the relationship; be it between colleague and colleague, employee and manager, partner and partner, client and supplier, customer and salesperson, or any other business relationship situation that exists. It consists of the “story” of the individuals as they see their business connection while things are going smoothly, as well as a bullet pointed list of work styles and warning signs. Most importantly, it consists of a series of questions, answered together, to help bring a return state of peace if the need arises. This is done in order to capture that affirmative perspective and remind ourselves of the true beauty of the other person in the event things go astray and we lose sight of what we once found so amazing.
The State of Grace Document gives us an opening to say to someone, “For some reason things feel a little off kilter with us right now. What’s going on?” We can stop running away, blaming outside influences or waiting till it negatively erupts, and get straight to the point. The State of Grace Document has an agreed upon premise that we ultimately want to be at peace within ourselves and with the other person, even as we address areas that aren’t so pretty to look at.
It’s time to raise awareness to a new approach, giving people an option other than the on-going pain of transition. In reality, what we do at the beginning shapes the ending and our endings shape our next beginnings. The beauty of the State of Grace Document is that it provides a way to create a solid foundation at the beginning of a relationship that then sustains us through the middle and into the transition phases with grace and dignity. It truly changes the course of the relationship.
Who Benefits From the State of Grace Document?
In this fast-paced, chaotic world we live in, we continually search for better ways to negotiate the hairpin turns; new career, being laid off, starting our own business, cultural and gender diversity issues, living in a foreign city, taking on a new client, getting fired, keeping financially afloat. There are so many opportunities within these transitions that are lost when we see them through the veil of fear. And in that fear, we avoid the difficult conversations, hold onto situations we know aren’t working and often damage the relationships that at one time were our greatest passion. You know it. You’ve done it. It’s an awful place to be.
Business exit clauses, legal contracts and employee manuals are documents that start with the premise; “I believe you quite possibly will screw me.” The State of Grace Document begins with the premise that we both want to remain in or return to the state of grace we started out with, when the time of transition in the relationship, as it stands, inevitably arrives. And the word transition doesn’t always mean ending. You may need to change the nature or status of a relationship, be it business and/or personal, to a small or large degree, rather than bringing it to a close. It is in this more all-encompassing manner that I will refer to transitions in regards to the State of Grace Document. And it’s in these large and small occurrences that we so desperately need a more engaging tool to help us remain in a state of grace.
My friend Jack worked for an enormous global company that was going through a massive reorganization. An email was cascaded down to let everyone know the new reporting structure and changes in departments and teams. Jack read through the emails and couldn’t find his name. He called his boss, who worked in a city on the other coast and had to leave a message asking about this error of omission. It wasn’t until the following day that Jack got a voicemail in reply saying that his job had been phased out and he would get a handsome severance package upon his departure. That’s how Jack found out he was out of a job. No personal, face-to-face contact, no thanks for all the great work you’ve done, no so sorry this had to happen. Jack left feeling depressed and devalued. In the end Jack didn’t regret the loss of the job because the severance package did enable him to help his wife start her own business. Still, after experiencing this abrupt and graceless termination, he never let go of the feeling he somehow failed. And if you look at what Jack felt he failed at, it was, in essence, his relationship with the company and his boss.
What has not yet been addressed in current business models is how to begin our connection to others, whether considerable or minute, in a more peaceful, open-minded, soulful manner. Most times we gather information and feelings about something or someone in those beginning moments, and then close our eyes, cross our fingers and hope it stays that rosy forever. Even for those who say they don’t want to grow and change within their work relationships, society is not listening. It’s happening whether we like it or not. The pace of business, the number of people we’re connecting with on a daily basis, the options for new experiences are all growing at an exponential rate. We need to better prepare ourselves for an even wilder ride than we’re used to. Diversity and inclusion issues, corporate moves, entrepreneurial ventures all put us at greater risk of falling out with one another and force transition issues into our lives. And more importantly, “business” is in transition right now as we find that old style, command and control leadership is no longer working. And in this state of change, confusion and uncertainty can lead to misinterpretation and stress.
We’re beginning to look at what it means to be a leader. And I mean leadership in the sense that every one of us is called to be a leader and a follower at various times in our day. When you look at leadership over centuries, during the 2000 years before Christ, leadership was characterized by physical domination. "If I conquer you, you follow me." Then we moved into the last 2000 years up till today, which has largely been leadership through intellectual domination. "I have the information and I'll let you know when it's time for you to know." It’s what our corporations, religious institutions and governments have been based on. The hierarchical business models all stem from this thought process.
But, like it or not, we’re moving into a new model of leadership. It is one based on what I call a Wisdom Web. We’re currently living in an age of information overload. If I want to continue to be a hierarchical leader, I’m fooling myself to believe I can contain and control all the information and decision-making that is required to run a business today. I need to know when to lead and when to step back and encourage others to lead. And the only way for me to do this is to better know myself and where my strengths and passions lie, and then to ask the pertinent questions to better know and understand others. My knowledge is no longer contained in my head, but in the web of people I connect with as well. That’s true power.
The pace at which technology is changing business; the effect the entrance of Generation X and Y will have on the work world; the need to accomplish more at a faster pace; the corporate push to keep people on the edge of their intellectual toes. These are a few of the issues presently creating a whole new list of stresses in the business world. Leaving these un-addressed can create an environment based on fear and apprehension that leads us out of a state of grace and can eventually bring a company to its knees.
The Cost of Being Out of a State of Grace
I worked with a team where one person created a great deal of frustration and anger amongst the group. Over time the team left her out of decisions, shut down when she came into a conversation and began working on projects without her. The more she was left out, the worse it became. The team lost the skills and knowledge she brought to the group, she brought less of herself to the office, and everyone suffered. Something wasn’t working amongst the group and nobody knew how to address the relationship stress.
When two or more people are out of a state of grace, the ramifications are enormous. We underestimate to what degree productivity goes down when I avoid you or treat you disrespectfully. It plays out in our self-esteem and emotional health, which ultimately leads to work-related stress and physical health problems. Not to mention the emotional and financial costs of legal battles that are created when things left un-addressed have gone too far. Our companies and our people are paying a very high price when we avoid the difficult conversations. The State of Grace Document doesn’t promise things will never go awry, but that a quicker way back to a productive, peaceful climate is possible.
We can’t afford to find ourselves out of a state of grace at work because it so pervasively effects our lives both in and out of the office, as well as the life of the company and our communities.
The State of Grace Document in Diverse Groups and Teams
I was working on a project with several other colleagues who were in multiple locations. We decided to create a team State of Grace Document that would stand as our commitment to the project and to one another. We individually wrote our version of the Story of Us as well as our personal work styles, and then created the questions together. It helped us through some rough spots, but more importantly it gave us greater peace of mind from the beginning, because we knew the ultimate agreed upon goal was to stay in a state of grace. No project was worth losing a friend or a colleague.
There is rarely a time when we are purely working on a one-to-one basis. We are part of many teams. When different personalities, cultures, genders, ages and levels of experience come together, relationships are more complex and are more apt to falter. If you start out with a State of Grace Document, you are more inclined to have the courage and commitment to find the synthesis rather than the discord. The Work Styles and Warning Signs section of the State of Grace Document are especially effective in a team situation. They help us to, not necessarily agree with one another, but certainly begin to understand one another from the start. And when a greater degree of understanding is combined with the ultimate goal of maintaining a state of grace, it alters the way a team interacts on a daily basis. Productivity is higher, relationships are built on trust, and creativity and innovation prosper because fear is greatly reduced.
A team State of Grace Document can be created one-to-one between each and every member, or they can elect to create part of the Document individually and part as a whole. Either way it strengthens the relationships amongst every member and thus the power of the team.
Defining a State of Grace
Ed, a Chicago realtor, had a three-year relationship with another realtor in the neighboring city. Over the years they traded leads, sought advice and learned much about each other’s lives, though they only spoke on the phone and never actually met in person. Recently Ed was in a car accident where someone ran a stop sign. He and the other man got out of their cars and started screaming, swearing and blaming each other. When they calmed down enough to exchange insurance information, Ed realized it was the man he had a three-year, phone-only relationship with. They both went white, simultaneously apologized, and began to take responsibility for the accident.
Isn’t it amazing how we operate when we can see and connect with the good in someone else? When we lose sight of that, our fears take over and our behavior is often negative and defensive. When we see the beauty in someone we are much more apt to remain in a state of grace, even when things become difficult.
Most people will say they grasp the concept of a state of grace, but are unsure of its ultimate definition. Some will think it’s religiously oriented, others see it as another means of saying peace. I’m going to give you the definition as I saw it when it led me to create State of Grace Documents in my personal and business relationships.
When you say that someone dances gracefully, what comes to mind? Beauty, elegance, poise, charm? A fluidity that makes it appear effortless? Generally we are in awe of grace in any form because it’s an ultimate desire and yet difficult to attain. If only every relationship and encounter with another could call up the words beauty, fluidity and effortlessness. When someone handles a difficult situation with grace, we see them hold others with the greatest amount of loving care. They show humanity, gratitude, respect and fair-mindedness; accepting others views and seeing the true magnificence in someone even as that person is acting out of fear.
The State of Grace Document – What It Looks Like, How It Works
The State of Grace Document is a written trust between two or more people who see the power in moving through the fears and joys of a relationship with grace. It’s typically written in the initial stage of the relationship, although if you are in a current state of grace with someone, but the relationship is not new, it can be written then as well.
The document begins with an in-depth conversation around what each person’s definition is of a state of grace. Then each person creates a list of the other’s characteristics they most admire or appreciate. It could also be created in the form of a story which details how they see this person in their best light and why they began to work together in the first place. I call this The Story of Us. This serves as a reminder that when things get tough, these brilliant characteristics still reside somewhere inside them. Next each person creates a bullet-pointed list of his or her Work Styles and Warning Signs. The Work Styles is an account of how you like to work in general. Do you need to think out loud with a group, work alone at times, need an agenda? The Warning Signs lists the external clues that show signs of stress. Do you go quiet, immerse yourself deeper in your work, become a perfectionist? Finally the parties craft a list of questions they will commit to go through when things seem even a little out of a state of grace. Questions like: What am I afraid of? What truths do I need to tell? What do I need from you right now? What part does money play in this situation? What do I gain by continuing/ending this relationship? Is it time to redefine or redirect our work together?
Part of establishing a State of Grace Document is also agreeing to a limited amount of time that can elapse before you agree to come together and go over the document. For me it’s typically three hours. If we feel out of a state of grace, we commit to sitting down within three hours and beginning the process of finding our way back, even if the conclusion is that the relationship as we know it is over. For some people three hours is too long, for others two years is the right amount of time. It depends on your temperament, style of relating to one another and to what degree you need alone time before you can calm down enough to have a more loving conversation.
To distill the process:
State of Grace Documents as Business Contracts
I have a company called Engaging the Soul @ Work where I work with individuals, corporations and organizations to create places where people actually look forward to going to work rather than dreading it. It’s a way of doing business with a better balance of people and profits. I found that having legal contracts with my clients didn’t fit with my philosophy. If I completed a project or speaking engagement and my client wasn’t happy with my work, I really didn’t want their money. With that in mind I decided I would only create State of Grace Documents with my clients rather than legal contracts.
Laura hired me for a three-month project with her team at BP in Aberdeen, Scotland. Before I even boarded the plane to move to the U.K., Laura and I created our State of Grace Document. She was so inspired by the idea that she went on to create State of Grace Documents with her direct reports as well as her husband. She even made a list of the few people in her life she felt she was out of a state of grace with, and proceeded to call them to create a new, more graceful relationship.
About one month into the project, Laura called me into her office. I could feel something wasn’t quite right. She said she was out of a state of grace with me and we needed to talk. Instead of berating me, or attacking me, we had an honest, direct conversation about what was making her uneasy with my performance. We didn’t actually feel the need to pull out the document; just knowing it was there was enough to give her an opening. Laura was upset with me because she thought I was working too hard and she didn’t want to feel responsible if something were to happen to me. Right or wrong, it was weighing quite heavily on her. You see I have a fatal lung disease that classifies my lungs as similar to those of an eighty five-year-old woman with emphysema who has smoked all her life. Yet I’m thirty-five and have never touched a cigarette. My condition makes it difficult to climb stairs and impossible to run. To get into work each day I made a long, slightly uphill walk from the parking garage to the building that seemed like a million miles. By the time I made the journey with my laptop and backpack and reached my desk, my energy was totally depleted. Carolyn, Laura’s empathic secretary, noticed this and offered to get me a disabled pass for the front lot. In my fear of what others would think I heartily declined. I didn’t want to be seen as sick. In Laura’s state of grace conversation with me, she asked me to please use the pass and quit being so stubborn. I wasn’t doing myself any good, not to mention her and her team if I was exhausted by 10 am.
If this situation was left to brew inside Laura’s head it might have become a filter through which she saw me and my work. Not alleviating that filter of frustration could have been a harmful turning point in our relationship that I would have been totally unaware of. Knowing how important it was to both of us that we remain in a state of grace, Laura was able to turn a difficult conversation into the start of a deep friendship.
We are so mired in the ways of business that we often don’t even notice how counter productive those ways can be. We hide behind the desire for market share and profit and damage self esteem in the process. “It was business,” we say. As if it justifies a poorly handled situation. We need to hold one another in higher regard, not at the expense of all profit, but because the only purpose that profit serves is to serve people. State of Grace Documents are a radical way to conduct business. Whether it’s between employee and employer, contractor and client, business partners or teams, it’s time to devise new, more soulful approaches to business.
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