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Components of the State of Grace Document

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There is a new way to build, sustain and transition relationships with honor and grace and it is called the State of Grace Document. It takes into consideration each individual involved in the relationship, their personal preferences, their expectations as well as the nature of the relationship, be it between colleagues, employee and manager, partners, husband and wife, landlord and tenant, client and supplier, or any other relationship situation that exists.

The State of Grace Document consists of:

The Story of Us — This is the story of the individuals as they see one another while things are going smoothly. This is done in order to capture that affirmative perspective and remind ourselves of the true beauty of the other person, in the event things go astray and we lose sight of what we once found so amazing.
Each person writes their version of The Story of Us, which is the story of the other’s characteristics they most admire or appreciate and the reasons they’re attracted to the situation. It could also be in the form of a bullet-pointed list. This serves as a reminder that when things get tough, these brilliant characteristics still reside somewhere inside.

Interaction Styles and Warning Signs — Each person creates a bullet-pointed list of his or her Interaction Styles and Warning Signs. The Interaction Styles are an account of how you generally like to work and live. Do you need to think out loud with a group, work alone at times, need an agenda? Do you tend to prefer quiet time, are you high energy, direct when you communicate, lean towards the optimistic? Interaction Styles deal with how each person likes things done, what’s non-negotiable, what their preferences are, etc.

The Warning Signs is a list of the external clues you may show as signs of stress. The behaviors you exhibit right before things spin out of control. Are you less patient, do you immerse yourself deeper in your work, become a perfectionist, tap your pen on the table? And most importantly, when you show these signs, how might someone help you pull out of the spiral? Tell them now, because in the moment, it might feel impossible to say what you really need. Come talk to me; give me space, then talk to me; help me see the data so I can step back from the emotional; offer me a backrub; reassure me, etc.

Warning Signs are the behaviors each person tends to display when things begin to go awry. Knowing these up front, and having someone tell you how to best assist, can alleviate a great deal of miscommunication and assumption that leads to a downward spiral.

List of Questions — The parties craft a list of questions they commit to answer with one another that will help bring a return state of peace if the need arises. Questions like: What am I afraid of? What truths do I need to tell? What do I need from you right now? Does money play a part in this situation? What do I gain by continuing/ending this relationship? Is it time to redefine or redirect our work together?

Part of establishing a State of Grace Document is also agreeing to a limited amount of time that can elapse before agreeing to come together to go over the document. For Zelle and I it’s three hours. If we feel out of a state of grace, we commit to sitting down within three hours and beginning the process of finding our way back to grace, even if the conclusion is that the relationship container as we know it is over. For some people three hours is too long, for others two weeks is the right amount of time. It depends on your temperament, style of relating to one another, and to what degree you need alone time before you can calm down enough to have a more loving conversation. This time-frame commitment states you will bring it up within that amount of time, but once you do, the parties involved can decide if they’re ready to actually go over the questions in that very moment or if they need time to process what’s happened first.

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Long-term Agreement — The parties also agree on a long-range timeframe of five years or more to get back together to find peace if something unimaginable happens and they can’t seem go over their Questions before then. They also agree that if they can’t manage to come together, they at least commit that they’ll not do anything to outright harm the other person. They will not speak negatively to others, or create more pain for the other person.

Many of us carry the pain of a bad ending for a lifetime and never resolve it. This commitment allows us the opening through the healing nature of time. It’s better later than never.

Expectations — Many people include an Expectations section in the Document where they can list the type of things contracts traditionally cover in terms of what's to be done, agreed upon or intentioned. This is also the space to let the other person know what overall expectations you have about the particular type of relationship you’ve entered into.

The State of Grace Document is a written trust between two or more people who see the power in moving through the fears and joys of a relationship with grace. It’s typically written in the initial stage of the relationship, although if you are in a current state of grace with someone, but the relationship is not new, it can be written then as well.

To distill the process:
• Define your version of a state of grace together
• Create The Story of Us — the document of positive characteristics of the person(s) and the situation. Why are you drawn to this?
• Determine your Interaction Styles and Warning Signs — who am I, what are my preferences, what do I look like when I’m stressed and what do I need in order to get back on solid ground
• Write your list of Questions to be used when things are sliding out of a state of grace
• Agree on a time limit to return to the document when the state of grace is in question
• Agree to never outright harm the other if you can’t find your way back
• Agree to a long-term timeframe like 5, 10 or 20 years if now doesn’t work to try to find peace together
• Merge your individual documents and go over it together for clarity and understanding
• Use the document in the beginning, middle and end of the relationship
• Revise the document when you learn something new about yourself or the other, especially if you have a disagreement and learn something in hindsight
• Use the document when things feel slightly out of a state of grace as well as if a major shift appears to be imminent.

You can download a sample State of Grace Document off the Read All About It page on this website along with other helpful documents.

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